(disclaimer: there’s a huge amount of personal information in this post, so if you aren’t interested in my cycle, procreation, or pregnancy, please skip to another post! I’m talking to you, brothers! 🙂 )
Chapter 1: The Beginning
Originally written on February 18, 2013
I hired Amy last Monday to come help me with the upholstery business and so she could make a little extra income. She came last Wednesday and Thursday and was SO helpful. She was planning on coming today (Monday), but couldn’t because our husbands’ classes were running late (they’re in the same class/rotation this month), so, I decided to run some errands.
But let’s back up a bit. We found out in early January that my current month of birth control (BC) was the last that would be covered by insurance. I already hated the idea of putting extra hormones in my body, so we had talked of trying other methods (someday, that is). But then, in January, we found ourselves needing to make that decision within the two weeks of pills I had left. We decided we would try another method, one which required going to the doctor to be “fitted” for. I called a local resident clinic to make my appointment, leaving a voicemail for the nurse I was transferred to. I continued on with my week, filling my inventory to sell at a local shop (ironically, I was sewing what seemed like an endless amount of crib sheets…). I was BUSY. The week went on…and that nurse never called me back about that appointment.
I had never really tracked my cycles before I started BC (which I started around 4 months before our wedding so that I could get things “settled” before…well, before we got married and did married people things–which is a good thing because the first BC I tried turned me into a crazy emotional person). First of all, I had never had a reason to track it. Second, I had never had a reason to track it. However, I could vaguely remember that they were fairly regular, usually around 28 or 29 days (although, again, I never really tracked it, so I wasn’t positive). But, this being the first month off of the pill, I expected my cycle to be really crazy and thought it would take a few months for things to regulate (and my almost-doctor husband was in full agreement with me). Even still, we had no way of knowing when I would be ovulating, so, because I hadn’t made it to the doctor to get our alternate and chosen form of contraception, we were abstaining around the time that I would be hypothetically ovulating, just in case. And then…well…I’ll just say that my husband is really quite attractive to me and abstaining can be really hard for people who are super attracted to their spouse. So…what I’m saying is that there was one time we didn’t abstain. One time. ONE TIME.
Looking back now, I know that I was ovulating that day. OOPS. And, as it turns out, I had forgotten that I can feel my ovulation…which I started feeling later that day/night. We had already agreed that we would wait until the end of intern year (the first year of residency) to start having babies, so this made us a little bit nervous. The idea of having a newborn (which would be our first, after all) while my husband couldn’t take time off and would be working 90+ hours a week wasn’t at all attractive or exciting to me. As the month went on, we began to wonder if we could be pregnant…and since we had a few weeks to mentally process and discuss it, we did. I ultimately decided that if the Lord decided to bless us with a little one, then it was his timing and he would be the provider of support, encouragement, time off and strength. And that I would be over-the-moon excited. (I did, after all, already have some baby fever happening…but baby fever and the possibility of actually having a baby and having EVERYTHING about your life change amidst an already-crazy time is totally different!)
The month progressed…and despite my potential excitement, I convinced myself that the odds of getting pregnant right off of the pill from that ONE time during which I THINK I was ovulating were so, so slim. So, I waited for my period, knowing it could be irregular and to not be confused by its late appearance.
But then, the Wednesday before (the night before Valentine’s Day), I mentioned I already had an early pregnancy test (left over from a box of two). We decided to go ahead and take it…to, if nothing else, at least put our minds at ease…although it was still early! So I took it. Negative.
Saturday was the day I would have started if my cycle was regular. We were running errands and decided to pick up a box. We bought a cheap off-brand box of 3 (Walgreens, if you’re interested). Later that afternoon, I took one. Negative. I think. I took it to J, asking, “I think this is negative, but if you look super close, does it look like there’s a faint gray line there?! I can’t remember what it looked like before I took it and if it was already there!” After some discussion, we agreed it was negative. That sealed the deal for me, but I was curious if anyone else had ever had that experience with those tests, so I googled them…wowza! One bad review after another about them giving people false positives (helloooo!! How is that even possible without the test being completely whack?!) and being unreliable in general. So, after that, we decided the tests were pretty worthless and I decided to return them to the store and get my money back.
So, here we are…it’s Monday. Amy can’t come over, so I’m running errands. I decided to run past Walgreens to return the tests on my way to do other things. We had to do an in-store exchange, so I just exchanged them for a box of name brand that I thought I could trust. I continued running my errands. I got home, made some lunch, watched a show, did some work. Then, I had to go to the bathroom…so, even though I wasn’t planning on taking another test (at least not for another few days just to see if my period would show), I decided to go ahead since I didn’t have a lot of confidence in Saturday’s test.
Let me just insert here that, in my mind, I was NOT pregnant. I wasn’t only taking the test to confirm that I was NOT pregnant. My period was technically 2 days late at this point, but ONLY if I were having a regular 28-day cycle, which wasn’t something I was counting on or expecting the first month off of BC. I was in the middle of watching a video on my laptop, so I just took it into the bathroom (I know, it’s weird) and set it on the bathroom counter while I peed on a stick and then washed my hands. I was watching the video (although I did set a timer on my phone for the 3-minute wait that the test requires), washing my hands, drying my hands…glance down at the test after only 45 seconds had passed, see two bright pink lines, look back at the computer, IMMEDIATELY double-take back at the test.
“WHAT?!?!?!?!? Two pink lines means pregnant, right???? Wait, no….wait, YES. That’s what it says on the test itself, that’s what it says on the box, that’s what it says in the instructions. But it’s only been 45 seconds! Maybe it’s wrong!” my thoughts screamed. I closed my eyes, opened them. Still two lines. Still says pregnant. Close my eyes, open them, still there. Start hyper-ventilating. (I mentioned I had completely convinced myself that I was NOT pregnant, right?!)
I walked into the kitchen and set the test on the table (don’t worry, I cleaned it off!). I was pacing throughout the house, trying to wrap my mind around what had just happened. My stomach had fluttered off to somewhere else, my breathing was short, my mind was racing, trying to grasp even just a small part of this. I was shocked, scared, worried, confused and bloody excited, all at once!
J wasn’t supposed to be home for another hour and a half, so I decided I would take another test in a little bit and and try to calm and prepare myself before my ever-so-sweet and unsuspecting husband got home.
That’s not how it went at all. Less than ten minutes later, my poor husband happened to arrive home early. Little did he know that he had a terrified and emotional wife inside and a positive pregnancy test laying on his kitchen table.
As I heard him unlock the door, I took as many deep breaths as I could force and closed my eyes…